FlirtyBits!!

So as most of you know, my house was broken into and trashed several months ago.  Last month my house was targeted again, only this time they took my beloved laptop...my lifeline to the internet...my portal to the world...and my only way to blog.  Those bastards!!  And...they did it at 9:00am on a Tuesday morning.

After speaking to our local authorities, I am pretty sure that my particular perps. are a local punk gang called The Juggalos.  P.S. if you want to be taken seriously as a 'gang' you may want to come up with a cooler name than that.  I'm just sayin'.  If you are not familiar with these punks, then feel free to google them.  They are a sad bunch of spoiled brats who paint their faces like poor pathetic clowns and they follow the music group Insane Clown Posse.  Basically they are a bunch of brats who don't feel like they get enough attention at home, so they run away and join the circus, they're so called new family.  These kids aren't dummies, but they are too stupid to realize that they are pawns in someone else's game.  They are brainwashed into stealing from their blood family, breaking and entering strangers homes and selling drugs to support their new family.  As I said, they are pawns, but they are too caught up in the excitement and romanticism of gang life that they don't even realize that they are selling their souls. 

Pathetic...yes.  But a very real pathetic group, probably in your backyard too.  Be smart, people...keep your house locked up like Fort Knox.  Otherwise it is an open invitation to punks like these to come in and have their pick of all the things you work so hard for. 

Yet another group of people in society that have the same mentality of 'you go out and get a job, but give me everything you earn', simply because they want it.  They don't need a job...that's what we're for...

1. Complain to anyone with functioning ears about your sad pitiful life. √
2. Make ‘friends’ with people at work to get just close enough to find out if you can use them to your advantage. √
3. Leave husband with kids, house and all bills forcing him to abandon the ‘family home’. √
4. Convince others at work to leave their husbands too.  After all, misery does love company.  Sure it will ruin their lives and their children’s lives, but you will feel better, and that’s what really matters. √
5. Make BFF’s with the big boss, to ensure that you get promoted without the required education, training or experience. √
6. Rent a room from a co-worker. √
7. Start dating your future ex-husbands lifelong friends. √
8. Move out from co-workers house and tell everyone that it’s because ‘she’ is crazy.√
9. Move in with another co-worker.  What could possibly go wrong? √
10. Take a week off of work because your dog is having emotional issues. √
11. Ensure that you take at least 2 hours a day for lunches, so as to avoid being overstressed at work. √
12. Make sure you take ‘vacation’ during your projects at work; this will ensure that another co-worker will complete it for you, successfully avoiding anyone catching on that you simply do not know your job. √
13. Give notice to current roommate/co-worker and make sure everyone knows it’s because ‘she’ is crazy. √
14.  Start fishing around work for yet another roommate to rent from.  That’s a brilliant idea! √ 
15.  Shirk off work to other unsuspecting, but more qualified co-workers so that you can have plenty of time for shopping. √
16.  Negotiate renting a house from the creepy guy at work, ensuring that something is bound to go wrong and you can then attribute it to ‘him’ being crazy. √
17.  Don’t file for divorce from future ex-husband; instead pray and tell all of your co-workers that you hope he gets prostate cancer and dies, that way you will be worry free. Sure your kids will be devastated after their father falls off the face of the earth, once you have successfully completed your plot of his demise, but that’s OK, because you will feel better.√
18. Make sure to re-iterate to anyone and everyone that you are not divorcing your future ex-husband because you are too kind of a person and you want to keep him on your health insurance plan.  That way they won’t suspect that your real intentions are to keep him hitched to you so that you can collect when you are successful in bumping him off. √
19. Even though you are clearly in your fifties, buy clothes from Forever 21, it will make you think you look better. √
20. Wear your new boyfriends (future ex-husbands lifelong friend) beret to work, it will make you think you look cool and are hip, like the young kids these days. √
21. Nap at your desk, you will need your strength in planning your future ex-husbands demise. √
22. Leave work early to ensure that you get a table at the bar and don’t miss out on Happy Hour.  Your co-workers will do your job for you. √
23.  Neglect to report missing days from work on your time-card due to personal/pet issues and/or shopping trips. √
24. Make nice with the cool, young hip crowd in the office and make notes of their tattoos – designs and locations – make sure to get the names of the tattoo artists and shops of each one to better ensure that your copying is effective.  The tattoos will make you think your young and top off your mid life crisis. √

Now...granted, this is not an exact science.  Just observations I make of those desperately sad, shallow souls that I come across in my daily life.  Some on a more regular basis than others.  Some people speak the truth, I write it.  Brutal...yes.  Worth it? Hell yes.

My son had the pleasure of hanging out at our lovely, local DMV yesterday.  He took this picture with his cell phone.  You've got to love modern technology, it allows us to document any and all jackasses, losers and freaks that cross our paths on any given day.

Now this fool is a man with a plan...and a book...and a chair...and a "cup" holder to stash his "stash" in.  I don't even want to know what treasures he has in in there.

So...I went to see New Moon - again - today.  Yep...still waiting for my own personal version of Edward Cullen.  Before the movie started I had to tell everyone in my general vicinity that they needed to be quit and silence their cell phones, because...I had a date with Edward in about 10 minutes...and I didn't want anyone to ruin it for me.  I thought it was pretty rude that a couple of hundred people came along on my date with my Edward like that.  I'm sure you all know by now that one of my biggest pet peeves is talking and cell phone shenanigans in the movie theatre. So rude...

At the end of the movie Edward gives Bella the ultimatum that if she wanted him to be the one to transform her into a vampire in order to live for all of eternity together with him, then she would have to marry him first.  Then...the screen fades to black...and then I said, "YES!"  And everyone laughed...

Man...I have really turned into a sappy hopeless romantic these days.  In the last 3 days I have watched Twilight, New Moon and The Notebook.  Not to mention that in the last month or two I have read all four of the Twilight saga books, twice, and now I am re-reading some of my Jane Austen favs like Sense and Sensibility and Pride and Prejudice.  What happened to the icy cold exterior that has been protecting and surrounding my heart for the last 30 something years - ...I mean 20 something...ya, ya, that's it...20 something??  Could it be that the frozen form that holds the place where my heart should sit is melting, and perhaps like the Grinch, my heart will grow two sizes in one day. 

Let us ponder that for a moment...hmmm...NOPE!.  Most likely I'm just in some sick and twisted romance phase and I will be back to my old cynical self in no time flat. 

Although...if the world had more Edward Cullens in it chicks like me wouldn't be so cynical.  I am right, no??