The Break Up Letter

My advice is to think twice before you ask someone a question you may not really want to know the answer too.  Albeit harsh, this was a much needed answer to a question I received:

I am going to do you a favor and be very honest with you (P.S. nothing good can possibly come from a letter starting with this sentence...)

Yes you are being lazy and showing a lack of back bone.  You have no drive, you're not assertive or have a goal or even a remote idea of how to get one.  To be honest those are not qualities I want in a partner.  Because they don’t make up a partner, they make up someone who is less than 50% of a relationship, someone who takes on less than 50% of responsibilities and doesn’t do whatever it takes to make things happen for themselves or their family. I let it slide that you live with your parents at 36, but in reality it was a red flag at your lack of initiative and independence.

I wanted to have this talk in person, but to be honest I just am not looking forward to seeing you again right now.  I let you know from the beginning what qualities I look for in a man and you really have yet to show them.  You are living the life of a high school student on summer break right now.  I just cannot respect that.  I come from the opposite end of working so hard for everything I have and not relying on anyone for a free pass.  Just because you pay your mom and dad 500 a month, doesn’t mean it’s not still a free pass.  I am just attracted to men who are more masculine and less in touch with their sensitive side.  It’s not that you are too nice…I know you tell yourself that, but that’s not it at all.  Yes, you are nice…but you need to couple that with manning up or growing a set of balls or whatever phrase you want to call it.  When I asked you why you still talk with your ex wife, you said, “Cuz I’m too nice.” No…cuz you’re not man enough to say anything.  There’s a difference.  If you don’t want to be involved with your ex, then grow a back bone and do something about it. I have always been the person in the relationship that has had to be the responsible one and I am looking for someone to share that with me, not someone who needs constant guidance and a relationship mentor.  You are too old to need someone to teach you how to be a good boyfriend.  Yes flowers are nice, but they are not everything.  You know what’s nice?  Helping a woman with her suit case up and down four flights of stairs, or helping her hoist it into the trunk and not watching her struggle with it.  That’s nice. Or, how about asking questions about the other person’s life and not dominating conversations about YOU…you’re favorite subject.  I have never met anyone who continually tries to sell themselves to me by telling me how smart they are, how funny they are, how good they are in bed or how good they are at everything…and you’re not.  I think that you think you are adding to conversations by relating something, but most of the time you don’t, you turn the conversations around and make them about you.  Well, people don’t always want to talk about you.  You’re life isn’t very interesting which is why, I assume, you presume to be an expert on all subject matters, like highly recommending a place of travel that you have never actually been to yourself.  Who does that? Or telling people you are IN a band and in actuality you have had a hand full of lessons and couldn’t even play a song all the way through or even hit all of the right notes.  Perhaps you are working towards being in a band…but you are not currently in one now.  I attest all of that to your insecurity. 

Apologizing for bad behavior doesn’t make up for it, actions do.  So far you have been all promises and words and no actions.  If you want to know why your exes go for other men, even if less attractive? Because they are more masculine and they probably make them feel like a wanted and desired woman.  I’ll bet you usually treat the women you date no different than your women friends.  You put the same importance on them.  The woman you are dating should be made to feel like she is more important than all other women in your life, not just one of many or one of the guys or whatever.  If you don’t make a woman feel special, then why should she want to see you?   

You are not ready to be in a relationship.  You need to have something for yourself before you can share your life with another.  Like a career, a starting point in your life, a plan.  When you enter into a relationship you have to ask, how does being with this person enrich my life?  How do I enrich theirs? If it is not equally enriching to both people then one of them is not ready for a relationship.  You cannot rely on someone to fulfill your life.  You need to fulfill your own life first then you can have a life worth sharing with someone.

 Also, the fact that you are friends with dozens more women then men shows your insecurity with yourself as a man.  Men who surround themselves with women as friends are generally intimated by women and relationships and desire attention from women and feed their ego by the fawning, attention and understanding they get by being around more female friends.  It feeds your ego and you feed off the emotional support you get from them.  Men who surround themselves with women feel that they will learn more about women, understand them and hopefully a relationship will fall in their lap.  Well, women want to be with manly men, not a man who is considered one of the girls at the office.   

I think if you look back and take an honest OBJECTIVE view of yourself now and over the years…you’ll see I’m right.  But my guess is that your instinct is to do what women do, read this, get upset and have all your girlfriends read it to give you advice and judge the person who wrote it in order to feed your ego and make you feel better about yourself by having your friends…women friends tell you that none of it’s true, like I don’t know what I’m talking about or I’m just a bitch…No…I’m probably one of the only people you know who is brutally honest. 

So…I really am not intending to hurt your feelings here but I have been subtly letting you know how I feel about things and you just don’t seem to get it.  That tells me that you are someone who doesn’t pick up on clues or suggestions but needs to be outright made aware of things.  So I am making you aware.  If you are going to be successful in a relationship you need to man up, take responsibility for your life, make things happen for yourself and not meander through life living off your parents or anyone else and you need to stop being so darn clingy, needy and insecure. 

 So…again, I know that was brutal but I really am not trying to be rude, just very, very, honest which it seems people are not brutally honest with you and I figured you could use it.  Maybe it will give you the kick in the butt you need to do the things you want in life or be the man you want to be.  I don’t know…but I don’t believe in dancing around the truth.