Pre-Divorce Midlife Crisis Checklist:

1. Complain to anyone with functioning ears about your sad pitiful life. √
2. Make ‘friends’ with people at work to get just close enough to find out if you can use them to your advantage. √
3. Leave husband with kids, house and all bills forcing him to abandon the ‘family home’. √
4. Convince others at work to leave their husbands too.  After all, misery does love company.  Sure it will ruin their lives and their children’s lives, but you will feel better, and that’s what really matters. √
5. Make BFF’s with the big boss, to ensure that you get promoted without the required education, training or experience. √
6. Rent a room from a co-worker. √
7. Start dating your future ex-husbands lifelong friends. √
8. Move out from co-workers house and tell everyone that it’s because ‘she’ is crazy.√
9. Move in with another co-worker.  What could possibly go wrong? √
10. Take a week off of work because your dog is having emotional issues. √
11. Ensure that you take at least 2 hours a day for lunches, so as to avoid being overstressed at work. √
12. Make sure you take ‘vacation’ during your projects at work; this will ensure that another co-worker will complete it for you, successfully avoiding anyone catching on that you simply do not know your job. √
13. Give notice to current roommate/co-worker and make sure everyone knows it’s because ‘she’ is crazy. √
14.  Start fishing around work for yet another roommate to rent from.  That’s a brilliant idea! √ 
15.  Shirk off work to other unsuspecting, but more qualified co-workers so that you can have plenty of time for shopping. √
16.  Negotiate renting a house from the creepy guy at work, ensuring that something is bound to go wrong and you can then attribute it to ‘him’ being crazy. √
17.  Don’t file for divorce from future ex-husband; instead pray and tell all of your co-workers that you hope he gets prostate cancer and dies, that way you will be worry free. Sure your kids will be devastated after their father falls off the face of the earth, once you have successfully completed your plot of his demise, but that’s OK, because you will feel better.√
18. Make sure to re-iterate to anyone and everyone that you are not divorcing your future ex-husband because you are too kind of a person and you want to keep him on your health insurance plan.  That way they won’t suspect that your real intentions are to keep him hitched to you so that you can collect when you are successful in bumping him off. √
19. Even though you are clearly in your fifties, buy clothes from Forever 21, it will make you think you look better. √
20. Wear your new boyfriends (future ex-husbands lifelong friend) beret to work, it will make you think you look cool and are hip, like the young kids these days. √
21. Nap at your desk, you will need your strength in planning your future ex-husbands demise. √
22. Leave work early to ensure that you get a table at the bar and don’t miss out on Happy Hour.  Your co-workers will do your job for you. √
23.  Neglect to report missing days from work on your time-card due to personal/pet issues and/or shopping trips. √
24. Make nice with the cool, young hip crowd in the office and make notes of their tattoos – designs and locations – make sure to get the names of the tattoo artists and shops of each one to better ensure that your copying is effective.  The tattoos will make you think your young and top off your mid life crisis. √

Now...granted, this is not an exact science.  Just observations I make of those desperately sad, shallow souls that I come across in my daily life.  Some on a more regular basis than others.  Some people speak the truth, I write it.  Brutal...yes.  Worth it? Hell yes.

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